I recently attended my high school reunion, and although I had a great time there was one thing that really annoyed me! For those of you who may be attending a reunion in the near future take this as advice of what not to say!
Here goes! I cannot count how many people came up to me and said I did not change at all and looked exactly the same as I did in high school! Now maybe these people had no idea who I am, was, or maybe they were just very drunk, because since high school I have gained 40 pounds, had 2 children, and I don't get any rest! I look nothing like I did 4 years ago, let alone 20! Was this some attempt at flattery? Did these people have nothing else to say? I am dumbfounded!
Now I must admit I did look great, as usual I was groomed very nicely, well accessorized, sucked in where I was supposed to be and lifted where it was deemed necessary. Not one thing was left to chance, every thing I did was calculated so that I could look my best, or as good as any mom of 2 kids under the age of 5 can look. When one is wiping butts all day and making sure that the boogers end up in a tissue and not a mouth, you don't have a lot of time to think about appearance!
You pluck, file, try to firm up with miracle lotions because who has time for exercise?
But no matter how much I prayed, sat up, lotioned up, defrizzed and tweezed, I am never going to resemble the girl I was at 18. Nor do I want to rememble her, except for losing a few pounds, I am happy to be 38, to look 38 and to have all the experience and wisdom of a 38 year old woman!
Anyone who thinks I look exactly the same is a fool!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Hello Again
it has been such a long time since I have updated. I must say that for a person who loves to write, writing is at times a struggle for me. With 2 small kids who are always voicing their wants and desires my own voice has become lost. Everyday I intend to write, or do at least one thing for myself and yet the hours tick by and Karen is morphed into mommy. Mommy has too much laundry, dishes and a house that is so disorganized I can't even begin to explain or unravel it. But yet not matter how much I try to clean up and get it all done it still looks the same. Some believe that the state of the home reflects the people who live in it. I guess you can call me Chaos!
Each night I drop into bed, nothing written, nothing creative accomplished. Oh and by the way, sleep does not count as me time! Sleep is not relaxation or doing something for yourself. Sleep is a basic need and as a mother we all must remember this. We can sleep for 3 hours or 8 , but it is not me time! I am beginning to realize that I am doing myself no favors by ignoring myself. I work all day and am still up to my ears in problems that I will never be able to resolve, all the while the girl I once was is starting to fade into the background. It is funny because I used to be creative, funny and even at times interesting.
So I am making another promise to myself and hopefully I can follow through this time, of course it is just like me to pick the busiest time of year to do this. But maybe, just maybe by seeking I can find some peace. So I will try to write each day and I will keep the editor in me on vacation, at least until the new year, I may not be witty, or even make sense, but honestly nothing in my life makes much sense right now. So I will go back to what has always brought me peace and joy and hopefully the words will lead me to my next pit stop.
Monday, May 4, 2009
My Janelle
This morning Janelle was eating her breakfast. Peach yogurt. She was painting with it instead of eating it. Finally I scooped my vanilla into her mouth, yummy, she ate it! When the vanilla was gone I tried to scoop the peach into her hungry body. She turned her head and pointed to mine. Finally I realized, Janelle does not like peach yogurt.
Janelle cannot talk. She has trouble expressing herself. She knows exactly what she wants but can't tell me. Janelle is almost 2 and a half but she has the speech abilities of a 15 month old. I have had Janelle evaluated 2 times and am hoping that tomorrow her 3 time will be the charm. Speech therapy is very expensive, but in many cases the county will pay. So far they have refused. My entire family and even Janelle's doctor is baffled. Her problems may be quite serious, the doctor is concerned. She is at risk for many behavioral problems. I hope tomorrow will be a new beginning for us all.
Until you have dealt with a child who struggles to speak you will never understand. Janelle is otherwise a very bright young toddler. She uses her own form of sign language to get what she wants but unfortunately and in most situations she just goes without. I try my best and yet I did not know Janelle did not like peach yogurt. If we go out to eat and the menu does not have pictures we have no idea what to order her. She usually gets whatever Jordan is having. In many ways we don't even know our little girl.
This is frustrating for everyone involved. Most of her speech comes out in a barrage of uh's and um's. When she does not know the answer to a question she will simply replies, "mommy daddy" ? There is confusion and longing in her eyes. How awful to have the words stuck inside and have no way of know how to get them out. Some days I get so exhausted. I am constantly trying to figure out what she wants and to decipher her grunts. By 3 in the afternoon I am mentally worn out.
Last year she could clearly say flower. Wow! I was so proud. Flower is no longer a word she can say. She is not stubborn or manipulative, something I was told in the past. My child cannot speak. Speech difficulties are a mystery to doctors. They are agony for parents.
I only want my little girl to be happy, to play with other kids without them getting mad at her because she replies "NO" when that is not the appropriate word. I know that someday, hopefully soon, she will get the help she needs and will soon be able to express herself, but until then each day is a battle.
Until you are faced with a child who is struggling to tell you something you will never understand what a day in my life is like. I see her trying to process her thoughts, and then I see the wall go up. The words don't come. Janelle is sad and so am I.
Janelle is much more then this problem, I am lucky because I know one day she will rise above this struggle and be all she can be. She will light up the world with words and no one will be happier to hear her then me. We will finally know what kind of ice cream she likes, her favorite TV show and whether it will be chicken or burgers for dinner.
Janelle cannot talk. She has trouble expressing herself. She knows exactly what she wants but can't tell me. Janelle is almost 2 and a half but she has the speech abilities of a 15 month old. I have had Janelle evaluated 2 times and am hoping that tomorrow her 3 time will be the charm. Speech therapy is very expensive, but in many cases the county will pay. So far they have refused. My entire family and even Janelle's doctor is baffled. Her problems may be quite serious, the doctor is concerned. She is at risk for many behavioral problems. I hope tomorrow will be a new beginning for us all.
Until you have dealt with a child who struggles to speak you will never understand. Janelle is otherwise a very bright young toddler. She uses her own form of sign language to get what she wants but unfortunately and in most situations she just goes without. I try my best and yet I did not know Janelle did not like peach yogurt. If we go out to eat and the menu does not have pictures we have no idea what to order her. She usually gets whatever Jordan is having. In many ways we don't even know our little girl.
This is frustrating for everyone involved. Most of her speech comes out in a barrage of uh's and um's. When she does not know the answer to a question she will simply replies, "mommy daddy" ? There is confusion and longing in her eyes. How awful to have the words stuck inside and have no way of know how to get them out. Some days I get so exhausted. I am constantly trying to figure out what she wants and to decipher her grunts. By 3 in the afternoon I am mentally worn out.
Last year she could clearly say flower. Wow! I was so proud. Flower is no longer a word she can say. She is not stubborn or manipulative, something I was told in the past. My child cannot speak. Speech difficulties are a mystery to doctors. They are agony for parents.
I only want my little girl to be happy, to play with other kids without them getting mad at her because she replies "NO" when that is not the appropriate word. I know that someday, hopefully soon, she will get the help she needs and will soon be able to express herself, but until then each day is a battle.
Until you are faced with a child who is struggling to tell you something you will never understand what a day in my life is like. I see her trying to process her thoughts, and then I see the wall go up. The words don't come. Janelle is sad and so am I.
Janelle is much more then this problem, I am lucky because I know one day she will rise above this struggle and be all she can be. She will light up the world with words and no one will be happier to hear her then me. We will finally know what kind of ice cream she likes, her favorite TV show and whether it will be chicken or burgers for dinner.
Peace, True Self, It All Begins At Home
Did you ever feel like you were living the wrong life. How did I get here and who are these people? This thought is a constant in my mind.
How did my house become an embarrassment?
I am a candidate for one of those clean house shows.
I need a complete overhaul and instead of trying to fix it I can't seem to get out of the clutter, dirt, just plain grossness of it all. When I watch the show Wife Swap I always feel kinda bad because I am the white trash, messy mom, who the other perfect suburban mom is grossed out by. My problem is I don't have the kitchy weird hobby or lifestyle to pull off my home. I am not a Renaissance tattoo artist hippy mama. Just a normal girl with a strange messy house. This weekend I decided to embrace the white trashiness of it all but I am still working on the terms of this agreement with the home that lives in my mind.
I have been caught in a cleaning coma and I am one of the worst victims. I can't clean because I can't move, I literally can't get to the cleaning supplies. No really, I mean getting the garbage out into the garage is a impossibility most days. I can't make it through the laundry room/mudroom/ closet, to get to the garage! I would have to move to many laundry baskets, shoes, toys to get to the door. Talk about a fire hazard!
So I pile the garbage on my kitchen counter and hope a fairy will come before my husband gets home. I am not opposed to cleaning, I actually don't mind it, (lie, lie, lie) but when you are in a war with clutter, a small house and 2 small children the battle may really belong to the Lord because no earthy being could stand up against the dirt in my home. I need a Godly intervention, but I'm pretty sure God cares more about my soul then the presence of clutter.
OK and after writing this next statement I may have no more friends but seriously what is up with the people who say their house is a mess and then when you get there it is perfect? Where are the people whose houses look like mine? I have yet to meet anyone in recent years who has a normal home. Where am I living and how do I find people like myself.
Wait, it is possible that I am the bottom of the barrel? In Clifton Park I most likely am. In recent years I have longed to pick up my clutter and move out of town. We have looked for homes in Colonie and Watervliet but never found anything quite right. I feel like I am a child living amongst grown up's. Such perfection, really, your homes are beautiful, but what's up! Maybe I'm not in the wrong life, just the wrong zip code. Really I have only one friend who can come to my home unannounced or otherwise. Becky you can feel proud or and honored or maybe just grossed out! I don't know but you are always welcome! Becky actually helped me get out of a cleaning coma once and I will forever be grateful!
I hate apologizing for my home, but I really do feel bad inviting other mom's and their precious children over to my pit. I always feel so bad when they inevitably step in dog poop, or when those precious children scoop up a dust bunny and mistake it for a wad of cotton candy.
One thing I have noticed is that people do feel comfortable in my home. I am a pretty good hostess, the food may be served on chipped dishes, or most likely paper plates, but the food is good and I will fill your belly.
OK, so friends, no advice that you have been here, because I can tell when I visit your homes you have never reached these depths of messiness that I call home. Maybe I just don't have the knack for cleaning and organizing that others possess. Maybe my true purpose is to make others feel better about themselves, because when I envisioned my life I always had a maid, I was never THE MAID!
I am not seeking decorating advice or cleaning advice, I'm just trying to find my place, find my real life and find some peace. It all begins at home. You find yourself at home but if you have no peace with your home then where do you go?
How did my house become an embarrassment?
I am a candidate for one of those clean house shows.
I need a complete overhaul and instead of trying to fix it I can't seem to get out of the clutter, dirt, just plain grossness of it all. When I watch the show Wife Swap I always feel kinda bad because I am the white trash, messy mom, who the other perfect suburban mom is grossed out by. My problem is I don't have the kitchy weird hobby or lifestyle to pull off my home. I am not a Renaissance tattoo artist hippy mama. Just a normal girl with a strange messy house. This weekend I decided to embrace the white trashiness of it all but I am still working on the terms of this agreement with the home that lives in my mind.
I have been caught in a cleaning coma and I am one of the worst victims. I can't clean because I can't move, I literally can't get to the cleaning supplies. No really, I mean getting the garbage out into the garage is a impossibility most days. I can't make it through the laundry room/mudroom/ closet, to get to the garage! I would have to move to many laundry baskets, shoes, toys to get to the door. Talk about a fire hazard!
So I pile the garbage on my kitchen counter and hope a fairy will come before my husband gets home. I am not opposed to cleaning, I actually don't mind it, (lie, lie, lie) but when you are in a war with clutter, a small house and 2 small children the battle may really belong to the Lord because no earthy being could stand up against the dirt in my home. I need a Godly intervention, but I'm pretty sure God cares more about my soul then the presence of clutter.
OK and after writing this next statement I may have no more friends but seriously what is up with the people who say their house is a mess and then when you get there it is perfect? Where are the people whose houses look like mine? I have yet to meet anyone in recent years who has a normal home. Where am I living and how do I find people like myself.
Wait, it is possible that I am the bottom of the barrel? In Clifton Park I most likely am. In recent years I have longed to pick up my clutter and move out of town. We have looked for homes in Colonie and Watervliet but never found anything quite right. I feel like I am a child living amongst grown up's. Such perfection, really, your homes are beautiful, but what's up! Maybe I'm not in the wrong life, just the wrong zip code. Really I have only one friend who can come to my home unannounced or otherwise. Becky you can feel proud or and honored or maybe just grossed out! I don't know but you are always welcome! Becky actually helped me get out of a cleaning coma once and I will forever be grateful!
I hate apologizing for my home, but I really do feel bad inviting other mom's and their precious children over to my pit. I always feel so bad when they inevitably step in dog poop, or when those precious children scoop up a dust bunny and mistake it for a wad of cotton candy.
One thing I have noticed is that people do feel comfortable in my home. I am a pretty good hostess, the food may be served on chipped dishes, or most likely paper plates, but the food is good and I will fill your belly.
OK, so friends, no advice that you have been here, because I can tell when I visit your homes you have never reached these depths of messiness that I call home. Maybe I just don't have the knack for cleaning and organizing that others possess. Maybe my true purpose is to make others feel better about themselves, because when I envisioned my life I always had a maid, I was never THE MAID!
I am not seeking decorating advice or cleaning advice, I'm just trying to find my place, find my real life and find some peace. It all begins at home. You find yourself at home but if you have no peace with your home then where do you go?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Katie Holmes You are Not a Real Mom! Get Over Yourself!
Ok so I was reading Good Housekeeping the other day and this quote by Katie Holmes really irked me. The Hollywood wife and actress said this about her young daughter Suri; "I've never met a 2-year-old who is terrible. I'm so cool with every stage my daughter goes through. I just think she's amazing. I hope she's not looking at me thinking, Mom, are the terrible 30s coming on for you?"
I may have lost all respect for a magazine that I have enjoyed since I was a child. Good Housekeeping was my mom's magazine of choice and as an adult I enjoy reading it also. But why on earth they felt they needed to put this quote in their magazine is beyond me. Do the staff at Good Housekeeping really think that I would ever look to a celebrity mom for parenting advice? Katie Holmes' quote not only proves that she is not a real mom, but that possibly Suri Cruise is not a real kid!
Seriously I have a 2 year old daughter myself and another daughter who is finally past those terrible 2 days. Now I don't know Katie Holmes personally, but I imagine that she has an entire staff who help her look after her "little angel" Suri. I imagine that when Katie is in the shower her child is handed off to a nanny. Therefore Suri has no chance to get to her mom's purse, steal a lipstick and proceed to rub it over her entire body. I'm sure the kitchen staff at the Cruise household is on guard, so much so, that Suri has never had access to the fridge and the many treasures it holds. Can you imagine what Tom Cruise would do if he came home and found his daughter mixing a brew of cracked eggs, blueberries and Ovalitine in the dog bowl. It's never gonna happen!
Suri very well be an angel, she may never have gone through the terrible 2's and that's because she has never been allowed to! Yes my home is a pit, yup my walls are marked with crayon, my hair is a mess, my eyebrows have not been plucked in months. Holes in the wall are the latest home decorating techniques, right?
A good day for me is getting to shower and hoping that nothing has been damaged beyond repair! (Oh and please all you nice mom's out there, no advice about the methods you use to contain your children, not everything works for everybody. And since I have not noted this yet, I am not crying for help, it's just a blog!)
I live in the real world where 2 year olds are TERRIBLE. But their hearts are good, they are learning, and exploring.
Nothing fascinates Janelle more then Bella's water bowl. She is constantly coming up with different things to put in it, heck one day I even found her drinking from it. This may drive me crazy, but I think that it is shaping her, and creating an independent little person. She is creative and filled with wonder. If she had a staff who catered to her every whim, which is how I believe Suri lives, she would never know how to make an indoor sandbox. You spill all mom's sugar onto the floor and spread it around as fast as you can, before the dog licks it up! Or what about the joy's of sharing an entire container of strawberries with your sister while mom showers. I imagine Janelle had a great time when she sprinkled Parmesan cheese and raisins all over the floor. I can't imagine what she is thinking when she does these things but her mind is working, the mind of a 2 year old is irrational, uninhibited and actually quite funny! The possibilities are endless for my terrible 2. I am a real mom who can actually admit that my kid is terrible! Yup it will pass and the next stage will bring it's own form of awfulness.
I embrace it, accept it! But unlike Katie Holmes I am the one left to clean up the mess. NO nanny here, no staff and I think my kids are better off. (I am no way talking about real working mom's here. You guys come home and care for your kids. I am talking about those rich and famous mom's who lose their baby weight miraculously overnight.) All 2 year olds, are TERRIBLE and if I am lucky she will outgrow it before she turns 3. 3 brings its own set of problems.
Don't give me advice Katie. I don't want to hear what you and your celebrity mommy friends think, you may love your children, you have actually think you are a real parent, but sadly you are not.
I may have lost all respect for a magazine that I have enjoyed since I was a child. Good Housekeeping was my mom's magazine of choice and as an adult I enjoy reading it also. But why on earth they felt they needed to put this quote in their magazine is beyond me. Do the staff at Good Housekeeping really think that I would ever look to a celebrity mom for parenting advice? Katie Holmes' quote not only proves that she is not a real mom, but that possibly Suri Cruise is not a real kid!
Seriously I have a 2 year old daughter myself and another daughter who is finally past those terrible 2 days. Now I don't know Katie Holmes personally, but I imagine that she has an entire staff who help her look after her "little angel" Suri. I imagine that when Katie is in the shower her child is handed off to a nanny. Therefore Suri has no chance to get to her mom's purse, steal a lipstick and proceed to rub it over her entire body. I'm sure the kitchen staff at the Cruise household is on guard, so much so, that Suri has never had access to the fridge and the many treasures it holds. Can you imagine what Tom Cruise would do if he came home and found his daughter mixing a brew of cracked eggs, blueberries and Ovalitine in the dog bowl. It's never gonna happen!
Suri very well be an angel, she may never have gone through the terrible 2's and that's because she has never been allowed to! Yes my home is a pit, yup my walls are marked with crayon, my hair is a mess, my eyebrows have not been plucked in months. Holes in the wall are the latest home decorating techniques, right?
A good day for me is getting to shower and hoping that nothing has been damaged beyond repair! (Oh and please all you nice mom's out there, no advice about the methods you use to contain your children, not everything works for everybody. And since I have not noted this yet, I am not crying for help, it's just a blog!)
I live in the real world where 2 year olds are TERRIBLE. But their hearts are good, they are learning, and exploring.
Nothing fascinates Janelle more then Bella's water bowl. She is constantly coming up with different things to put in it, heck one day I even found her drinking from it. This may drive me crazy, but I think that it is shaping her, and creating an independent little person. She is creative and filled with wonder. If she had a staff who catered to her every whim, which is how I believe Suri lives, she would never know how to make an indoor sandbox. You spill all mom's sugar onto the floor and spread it around as fast as you can, before the dog licks it up! Or what about the joy's of sharing an entire container of strawberries with your sister while mom showers. I imagine Janelle had a great time when she sprinkled Parmesan cheese and raisins all over the floor. I can't imagine what she is thinking when she does these things but her mind is working, the mind of a 2 year old is irrational, uninhibited and actually quite funny! The possibilities are endless for my terrible 2. I am a real mom who can actually admit that my kid is terrible! Yup it will pass and the next stage will bring it's own form of awfulness.
I embrace it, accept it! But unlike Katie Holmes I am the one left to clean up the mess. NO nanny here, no staff and I think my kids are better off. (I am no way talking about real working mom's here. You guys come home and care for your kids. I am talking about those rich and famous mom's who lose their baby weight miraculously overnight.) All 2 year olds, are TERRIBLE and if I am lucky she will outgrow it before she turns 3. 3 brings its own set of problems.
Don't give me advice Katie. I don't want to hear what you and your celebrity mommy friends think, you may love your children, you have actually think you are a real parent, but sadly you are not.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
A Blog a Day, Until I Die!
So I have not posted a blog in a long time, but things will soon change. I am going to attempt to blog everyday. This is mostly for myself, but if others enjoy it then great. It is just so hard to find the time to sit down and compose a blog. I spend a great deal of time deciding what say and then proofreading. When all this writing, checking and more checking is taking place my kids are free to destroy and rearrange my home. Decorating by toddlers is not really the look most my friends choose for their homes, but I rarely see kids as happy and fun loving as mine in their homes either. It's like a form of graffiti only using toys.
Yesterday lipstick was Janelle's medium of choice. By the time I finally realized she was into something she looked like an ump lumpa right out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Since I don't really discipline my kids, I just try to explain the wrongs they do and tell them it is not acceptable. Does it work, no, but I don't think time outs work either. Kids just don't have the sense to stop and think, they live in the moment. Combine puppy's and kids and then you will realize where I have been.
A day or so ago I asked the girls to play outside while I ate my lunch. When I finally got outside I found a entire box of straws scattered across the lawn. I assumed it was Janelle who did the tossing, but after a visit from my neighbor a day or so later I was set straight. My neighbor Erin sat on her deck and watched the entire episode unfold. To her utter joy she watched Janelle carry the box of straws outside, drop them on the ground. Soon after Bella, my 6 month old pup trotted by and began to play with the box. As she fought with the box a colorful array of straws flew about the yard. As I sat inside eating my sub sandwich, my neighbor was treated to a great show. These are the things that happen when mommy is not looking!
But I have decided to just go with it, I love writing and writing only gets better the more we do it so I will write and the kiddos and puppy will play, destroy, and have a whole lotta fun while I do it. In the end it does not really matter, God is not going to ask about my clean house, my perfect gardens, or how polished my furniture is . He wants me to grow and I will no longer continue to ignore his whispering. I will write, write and write. I will follow this path and see where it goes, I hope you all will join me. Until tomorrow.....
Yesterday lipstick was Janelle's medium of choice. By the time I finally realized she was into something she looked like an ump lumpa right out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Since I don't really discipline my kids, I just try to explain the wrongs they do and tell them it is not acceptable. Does it work, no, but I don't think time outs work either. Kids just don't have the sense to stop and think, they live in the moment. Combine puppy's and kids and then you will realize where I have been.
A day or so ago I asked the girls to play outside while I ate my lunch. When I finally got outside I found a entire box of straws scattered across the lawn. I assumed it was Janelle who did the tossing, but after a visit from my neighbor a day or so later I was set straight. My neighbor Erin sat on her deck and watched the entire episode unfold. To her utter joy she watched Janelle carry the box of straws outside, drop them on the ground. Soon after Bella, my 6 month old pup trotted by and began to play with the box. As she fought with the box a colorful array of straws flew about the yard. As I sat inside eating my sub sandwich, my neighbor was treated to a great show. These are the things that happen when mommy is not looking!
But I have decided to just go with it, I love writing and writing only gets better the more we do it so I will write and the kiddos and puppy will play, destroy, and have a whole lotta fun while I do it. In the end it does not really matter, God is not going to ask about my clean house, my perfect gardens, or how polished my furniture is . He wants me to grow and I will no longer continue to ignore his whispering. I will write, write and write. I will follow this path and see where it goes, I hope you all will join me. Until tomorrow.....
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Status Update: The Reality
Karen is wondering why mom's don't support each other? How can I live in a neighborhood populated with SAHM's and be so alone. Am I the only one whose phone does not ring, who has absolutely no play dates? No girls night out, no coffee with friends. I even joined a mom's club and no matter how hard I try, I am still alone.
At this point during the winter my isolation has been going on for about 4 months, soon, we will head to the park. The nice weather will not bring an end to this isolation, just a change of location. We will pack a lunch and head to the park, we will play at one end, while a group of mom's and their kids play at another. My daughter will approach this group and try ever so hard to join in, to play. It's so sad because she does not realize that they look at her as if she were an alien. At library class, she runs to the children, wants to hold hands and dance, but kids are the same, they don't want to ighnclude an outsider. Jordan persists and my heart breaks for her. I am in the same boat.
No one wants to hold my hand either.
I've tried to talk with these other mom's, make friends, now I'm just too tired to even give it a try. What is it about me that makes me different? And why do my children have to suffer because of it? I'm going on year 4 of motherhood and year 4 of trying to fit in with the other mom's. I'm just plain tired. This isolation is my reality and this boredom, this not knowing how to become a mom with friends is my life long suffering. Drama queen, yup, but I just cleaned up a dozen cracked eggs off the floor, some dog poop on the rug and I need to remake the Valentines that Jordan ruined. I want to cry, call a friend but no phone numbers come to mind, so here I sit and write.
Why can't we all just be friends, why can't we all have the philosophy of my 3 year old daughter. Everyone she sees is a friend. I have this mentality also, but still we always arrive at the park too late, everyone got the memo to get there at 10, everyone but us. Why can't the other mom's see that I am no different then them, my conversation skills are not as polished as they used to be. Most day's I speak to no one over the age of 4. So yes, I am quiet, I am shy, but why does my life resemble high school once again?
I have such a strong desire to help others, but yet my own need goes unnoticed. I have never once even been approached, it is always me starting the conversation, it is so difficult, trying to make friends; find friends for my kids. Some days, days like today, I sit home in tears, my heart is broken, motherhood, the social part of it at least, is not at all what I expected.
So I sit here, in my home, Karen Adkins, a mom going it alone, this is my real status update, this is my reality.
At this point during the winter my isolation has been going on for about 4 months, soon, we will head to the park. The nice weather will not bring an end to this isolation, just a change of location. We will pack a lunch and head to the park, we will play at one end, while a group of mom's and their kids play at another. My daughter will approach this group and try ever so hard to join in, to play. It's so sad because she does not realize that they look at her as if she were an alien. At library class, she runs to the children, wants to hold hands and dance, but kids are the same, they don't want to ighnclude an outsider. Jordan persists and my heart breaks for her. I am in the same boat.
No one wants to hold my hand either.
I've tried to talk with these other mom's, make friends, now I'm just too tired to even give it a try. What is it about me that makes me different? And why do my children have to suffer because of it? I'm going on year 4 of motherhood and year 4 of trying to fit in with the other mom's. I'm just plain tired. This isolation is my reality and this boredom, this not knowing how to become a mom with friends is my life long suffering. Drama queen, yup, but I just cleaned up a dozen cracked eggs off the floor, some dog poop on the rug and I need to remake the Valentines that Jordan ruined. I want to cry, call a friend but no phone numbers come to mind, so here I sit and write.
Why can't we all just be friends, why can't we all have the philosophy of my 3 year old daughter. Everyone she sees is a friend. I have this mentality also, but still we always arrive at the park too late, everyone got the memo to get there at 10, everyone but us. Why can't the other mom's see that I am no different then them, my conversation skills are not as polished as they used to be. Most day's I speak to no one over the age of 4. So yes, I am quiet, I am shy, but why does my life resemble high school once again?
I have such a strong desire to help others, but yet my own need goes unnoticed. I have never once even been approached, it is always me starting the conversation, it is so difficult, trying to make friends; find friends for my kids. Some days, days like today, I sit home in tears, my heart is broken, motherhood, the social part of it at least, is not at all what I expected.
So I sit here, in my home, Karen Adkins, a mom going it alone, this is my real status update, this is my reality.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Lunch, It's What's For Dinner!
I think this happens often or at least it does to me.
I go to the pantry and try to decide what to cook for lunch. Chicken nuggets, had those yesterday. Sandwiches, the dog ate the last piece of bread this morning. Hmm... what should I make.
This scenario happened just moments ago and so I decided to whip up some homemade mac n cheese. While the water was boiling, I started cubing the cheese when Jordan shouts" mom what are you doing"? Making yummy homemade mac and cheese, of course! "But I want Dora soup!" is my child's reply. Dora soup you mean pop open a can, pour in a bowl, Dora soup? When I am over here boiling water, making more dirty dishes and cubing cheese? Seriously, why do I bother? And can I now pass the mac and cheese off as dinner?
I go to the pantry and try to decide what to cook for lunch. Chicken nuggets, had those yesterday. Sandwiches, the dog ate the last piece of bread this morning. Hmm... what should I make.
This scenario happened just moments ago and so I decided to whip up some homemade mac n cheese. While the water was boiling, I started cubing the cheese when Jordan shouts" mom what are you doing"? Making yummy homemade mac and cheese, of course! "But I want Dora soup!" is my child's reply. Dora soup you mean pop open a can, pour in a bowl, Dora soup? When I am over here boiling water, making more dirty dishes and cubing cheese? Seriously, why do I bother? And can I now pass the mac and cheese off as dinner?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Status Update
Karen wants to know when the crumbs that drop while eating stopped landing on my chest and started landing on my gut instead! Gravity, definitely the enemy of today's busty mom's!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Status Updates
So I am an active member of Facebook. A big part of FB is the status update. It starts out with your name and then you simply state what you are doing, thinking, etc. Well sometimes I get sick and tired of reading peoples glowing updates about their wonderful life and the amazing things they are doing. Many times I censor my updates because if I really said what I was doing or thinking I may be in big trouble or I may alienate all the people I know. So I have decided to post my real thoughts here. Here goes:
Karen is wondering when her husband is actually going to start listening to her. Also when will he realize that his shoes are just to humongous to leave lying around the house for me to pick up.
Hey it's not Shakespeare, but it is my unfiltered thought. Look for more and also I will be making my real list of 25 things, not the nice one I posted on FB, the real 25 things that actually define my life. Yes I like purple, but come on, there is more to me. And I actually hope there is more to my friends on FB, why can't we all get real and actually expose ourselves? Painting pretty pictures of a life is awesome but in the end, if it is not real, then who does it actually help?
Why is it ok to have to only show the happy moments. Remember how we used to take pictures with film, when we developed the film we got the good, the bad and sometimes the ugly. Digital cameras have changed pictures forever. It's the same idea with the status updates and FB profiles we don't always look pretty, feel pretty and have perfect pretty lives. Let's get real!
Karen is wondering when her husband is actually going to start listening to her. Also when will he realize that his shoes are just to humongous to leave lying around the house for me to pick up.
Hey it's not Shakespeare, but it is my unfiltered thought. Look for more and also I will be making my real list of 25 things, not the nice one I posted on FB, the real 25 things that actually define my life. Yes I like purple, but come on, there is more to me. And I actually hope there is more to my friends on FB, why can't we all get real and actually expose ourselves? Painting pretty pictures of a life is awesome but in the end, if it is not real, then who does it actually help?
Why is it ok to have to only show the happy moments. Remember how we used to take pictures with film, when we developed the film we got the good, the bad and sometimes the ugly. Digital cameras have changed pictures forever. It's the same idea with the status updates and FB profiles we don't always look pretty, feel pretty and have perfect pretty lives. Let's get real!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Sunday Afternoon
Sunday afternoons may never seem the same, at least for awhile. This past fall my Sundays changed forever.
As each Sunday afternoon approaches and as it eventually fades into evening I will always feel the loss of my sweet Liberty.
Liberty died suddenly on a Sunday afternoon. Sandwiched between church and Awana, Liberty slipped away.
I didn't see it coming.
I was so focused on serving lunch, making sure Jordan knew her weekly Bible verse and getting my shirt ironed. I never saw the exact moment she went from living to dying. Liberty's life was coming to an end and I was not paying attention. Moments before she died I told her she was a fighter, she would not give up and that she was going to live! In fact I had called my mom around 1:15 and told her Liberty was doing great, that she was feeling better.
How could I have been so wrong?
I always thought there was never enough time between Awana and church, I was always in a frenzy to get things done. Yet those few short hours were enough for a mad rush to the vet. It was enough time to say goodbye. Enough time to place my sweet dog into my trunk and then into the ground. A life that was normal at 1:45 was replaced by a grief stricken one at 2:30.
That day was December 7th 2008.
I am still trying to remember the exact moment her breathing became labored. I replay the events in my mind and I can't quite recall. I was too focused on being on time on getting things done.
Too focused on the task at hand to see a life fading away.
The dog I had spent 9 years loving and enjoying life with was going to be laying in the ground in my dad's army duffel bag within a few hours. How many times have we done this, not payed attention, not been present to our lives. I always believed I was aware of the goings on around me. I lived in the moment. Or at least I thought I did.
Maybe it was denial on my part, I knew Liberty had cancer but together we were going to defy the odds. She would live, she would be the dog who lived with cancer for months and thrived.
Sundays will never be the same.
Each Sunday I think back to that morning, I wish I knew it was her last. Did my sweet dog know death was near? Did she try to tell me. I knew she was feeling a bit ill, but my hope was just too great to see, to realize the sadness that Sunday afternoon would bring.
The hours from 1-3:30 will never be the same for me. Especially when we are talking about a Sunday afternoon.
As each Sunday afternoon approaches and as it eventually fades into evening I will always feel the loss of my sweet Liberty.
Liberty died suddenly on a Sunday afternoon. Sandwiched between church and Awana, Liberty slipped away.
I didn't see it coming.
I was so focused on serving lunch, making sure Jordan knew her weekly Bible verse and getting my shirt ironed. I never saw the exact moment she went from living to dying. Liberty's life was coming to an end and I was not paying attention. Moments before she died I told her she was a fighter, she would not give up and that she was going to live! In fact I had called my mom around 1:15 and told her Liberty was doing great, that she was feeling better.
How could I have been so wrong?
I always thought there was never enough time between Awana and church, I was always in a frenzy to get things done. Yet those few short hours were enough for a mad rush to the vet. It was enough time to say goodbye. Enough time to place my sweet dog into my trunk and then into the ground. A life that was normal at 1:45 was replaced by a grief stricken one at 2:30.
That day was December 7th 2008.
I am still trying to remember the exact moment her breathing became labored. I replay the events in my mind and I can't quite recall. I was too focused on being on time on getting things done.
Too focused on the task at hand to see a life fading away.
The dog I had spent 9 years loving and enjoying life with was going to be laying in the ground in my dad's army duffel bag within a few hours. How many times have we done this, not payed attention, not been present to our lives. I always believed I was aware of the goings on around me. I lived in the moment. Or at least I thought I did.
Maybe it was denial on my part, I knew Liberty had cancer but together we were going to defy the odds. She would live, she would be the dog who lived with cancer for months and thrived.
Sundays will never be the same.
Each Sunday I think back to that morning, I wish I knew it was her last. Did my sweet dog know death was near? Did she try to tell me. I knew she was feeling a bit ill, but my hope was just too great to see, to realize the sadness that Sunday afternoon would bring.
The hours from 1-3:30 will never be the same for me. Especially when we are talking about a Sunday afternoon.
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