Vanity

vain
adj. vain·er, vain·est
1. Not yielding the desired outcome; fruitless: a vain attempt.
2. Lacking substance or worth: vain talk.
3. Excessively proud of one's appearance or accomplishments; conceited.
4. Archaic Foolish.

Twice in the past few weeks this word, vain has been used to describe me. Now I have never considered myself to be vain and I took these references as assaults on my character. Do I consider myself vain, absolutely not. In fact I see myself to be quite the opposite.

Growing up I was always the skinny girl with the funny hair. My father loves to recall how as a toddler he would take me out and people would stop in their tracks and point at me. A tiny girl of 2 or 3, very small for my age yet walking and to top it off I had an afro. Not curly hair, not wavy hair, not the uniform tight curls that adorned the head of Little Orphan Annie, no I had a fro.

I can only imagine my poor mother trying to make sense of tufts of hair that sprouted from my tiny head. My sisters had been graced with pin straight shiny hair that could be combed through easily and styled into the fashion of the day. Not my hair, it's poufy, big and funny. It has a life of it's own. Finally my mom cut my hair short and that is they way it stayed. Many hairdressers over the years told me I could never have the long hair that I have dreamed about. My hair is course, curly, wavy, and frizzy, I do the best I can with what I have. That is pretty much how I approach my daily grooming sessions. I try to accentuate the positive, my eyes, big blue eyes, they look great with pretty eyeshadow and black mascara. I always wear earrings, even if I am the only one home who will see them. I find that a pair of earrings, a nice top, and some makeup really help me to get going each day and to feel good about myself.

I work with what I have and hope that it all looks good. I try to take chances when I dress, I like to look unique, no carbon copy mom uniform for me. For this reason, I am always asking my husband how I look. Does my hair look to poufy, is my top to low cut, etc.... I know this annoys him and I try not to do this very often. But on Sundays when we go to church I like to dress up and look pretty.

Now back to the topic of this post, is this vanity, am I vain? I like to look nice and I like my children to wear pretty clean clothes and to have their hair done. I like my dog to look neatly groomed and pretty. It's more fun to pet a clean dog who has been professionally groomed. I also think my dog knows she looks pretty and feels better. Not unlike us humans.

But other then my appearance my life is a wreck. My house is dirty, messy and not decorated all that well. My car is a dangerous moving violation. Over the summer their were bees circling it and my husband claimed they could smell all the old food and spilled drinks inside! Would a vain person own a car so dirty that insects try to pry their tiny bodies into it's crevices for a snack? I really don't think so.

Vain people don't ask others how they look. Conceited people know they look good and don't need the approval of others. I am not vain, just maybe a bit insecure, it's just the little skinny girl in me trying to fit in. Trying to look my best. If I kept my house perfectly decorated and impeccably clean no one would call me vain. They would praise me and say I was the second coming of Martha Stewart! Why is a person who takes pride in their appearance considered vain?

Galatians 3:20 states: "Let us not become conceited provoking and envying each other." I envy no one. I have accepted what God has given me. I try to model my life after what is referred to as the Fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self- control. I don't have them mastered and probably never will but I sure do wish that I would be judged by how I love my kids, by the joy I have when taking care of my dogs, the patience I have for Jordan when she wants to do everything herself, the kindness that I try to show to all the people I meet, the goodness of my heart, my faithfulness to my family and to God, my gentleness to those who need help, and my self-control when I hold my tongue instead of saying what is exactly on my mind.

Please don't judge me not, for I don't judge you. I'm just trying to do my best and look it at the same time.

Karen and the Neverending To Do List

I now am the mom of a new golden retriever puppy! Bella is a sweet energetic dog who is quickly becoming one of the family. With all this excitement I have been having a hard time keeping track of all the things I need to do each day. I'll be doing the laundry and I will start to think about how I need to drop Avon books off, call for pictures, take a bath, brush my kids teeth, you get the picture. But as soon as I finish the laundry these tasks always get filed away in my brain. Most likely to the cold case file storage room in my head, I only remember them at the last minute, when it is do or die and I need to get this or that done now! I run through the house shouting orders, screaming at my kids, jumping over dogs, all the while chanting the mom's mantra of " Why am I always rushing around at the last minute!!"

In the past I have made lists, but then always proceed to misplace them. Greg says the computer is the way to go. Use your email task list, it is much easier!

So yesterday I sat down made a list on the computer, but a busy mom such as me cannot get by with just one list. I need daily lists, birthday party planning lists, Christmas task lists and household cleaning lists just to name a few.

When I attempted to make multiple lists on the computer it just would not work. So I called my computer savvy, computer programmer, genius of a husband. Now I should have known before I called him that he would be no help. This is a man who can single handily run his department at work. He is the computer guru of the insurance world for goodness sake, but present him with simple computer tasks, and he is clueless. He can't even figure out Facebook. Jordan can use FB, jeepers! I call Greg at work and he says "wait till I get home, I'll show you then."

So this morning in our crazy house of 1 preschooler, 1 toddler, 1 old dog and 1 pup, we set about making to do lists.

We spent an hour trying to figure out how to make a to do list. He pointed, I clicked, we read directions, we argued, but no new list. Here we were 2 adults with loads to do, staring at a computer trying to make a list, all the while surrounded by empty notebooks, post it notes, desk calenders and 2 planners. Well, we never figured it out. I never made my list. Whoever said technology is freeing was sadly mistaken. I wasted an hour trying to figure out how to make a to do list instead of actually doing my to do's.

This scenario is a very classic example of why I am so tired, why I see no end in sight to my exhaustion and why my house will never ever be clean!

To all you tired mom's out there if you forget things, get a notebook or a planner and with a pen in hand make lists to your hearts content. Making lists can be quite satisfying even if you lose them, or never ever check anything off. I think a well written to do list is an art form that should be admired and preserved for at least a day or so before checking things off of it anyway!

Now go and make a list you have things to do!

Liberty

Well, I have just been too sad to write. On October 30 I found out that my Liberty, my beloved cocker spaniel has cancer. We have chosen not to treat it and to just love her and keep her comfortable for the remainder of her days.

As I sit here typing my eyes are filling with tears my love for this dog is just so big that I really can't bear to even think of it. She has had many good days and a few bad these past few weeks. All I ask is that whoever reads this will say a prayer , for a dog that was twice returned to the pound but who for the past 9 years has loved us and loved life. She has touched many people and even at the age of 10 she still gets more attention when out then a puppy! Dogs like Liberty are few and far between. I am not talking about a perfect dog, Liberty is not and never has been. She steals food, right out of my hand in fact! She snips at children, and even bites puppies! But she is loyal, she is brave, she is playful, and she has loved me and been with me for the past 9 years more than even my husband!

I was going to tell her tale today, how we found her, the silly things she has done, but really in the end all that matters is how she made us feel. Dogs are created by God to love their owners, provide companionship and to give joy! Many times they may seem like more work then fun but ultimately when their lives are nearing the end the comfort they provided us during their lives is their lasting legacy.

When Liberty is up late in the night, panting and breathing hard I rub her and hold her. Her breathing slows, she knows I am there. Just as she was there for me when I was afraid of being home alone, or the time she knew I was hurting with a very bad headache, she licked my face and I was comforted. That's what dogs do, they bring comfort and joy to our lives.

I will store up all the memories of Liberty in my heart during these last days of her life. I will try to remember her fur, the softness, how her paws sometimes smell like corn chips. I will memorize her face and rub my nose on her wet nose. But the comfort, the closeness of sharing a good cuddle with her and how she was sad when I am sad is what will be her lasting legacy. She took care of me and now I will do the same for her. She is fragile now, but she is still the dog who would walk with me for hours in the woods. We had our times, we shared alot in those woods. Adventures that only the 2 of us share. We were quite a pair and a piece of my heart will go with her when she dies.

I love you Liberty and always will, you are and will forever be my true best friend.

The Woman I Grew Up to Become

As many of you know I am a fan of Facebook. What started out as a simple request from my friend Becky has now turned into a bit of an obsession for me. I have reconnected with many old friends and it is a great way to stay in touch with my current friends. We exchange pictures, recipes, and our daily trials. In the past I would look to people.com or some other celebrity website to feed the my guilty pleasures, I now go to Facebook.

So today as I was browsing through the news feeds, ( it sounds very pertinent but it's just updates about what has been happening in the world of FB.) While looking at all the details of my FB friends lives, I came across a picture taken during my senior year. It was of the entire senior class. Many people were commenting on it, saying how funny we looked, the big sweaters, the big hair, etc. I took a look at myself and really thought nothing of it. A little bit later I looked again and was surprised at what I saw.

The ugly girl who had such a hard time in school, looked kinda pretty now. That ugly girl was me and when I was in school I had many many kids come right up to me and tell me how ugly I was. Just what I needed to hear, right? Thanks for the info guys! Well, I will never forget their names, or how these kids made me feel. My school life was not a happy one and the things that were said to me , the things that were thrown at me and the way even the teachers made me feel has stuck with me to this day.

But it all ends here. In this blog, on this day, forever. Because I realized something, that girl, was pretty, she was sweet, she was smart and she deserved better. Don't think I have been feeling down about myself all these years, I haven't I have a great self image! But at that moment I realized something, all those kids, the ones who rejected me, laughed at me, and made my life miserable to advance their own egos were just a bunch of LOSERS!! I know this sounds harsh, some may say they were just kids, but at what point do kids become accountable? High school kids know better and most choose to ignore common sense. Be kind to others, everyone is an equal, be patient, accept those who are not like you, are not the types of things I saw a lot of in school.

But most of all, those kids lost out, they never got to know the girl who was an awesome tennis player and could hit a backhand winner down the line almost every time. If they had asked I would have taught them how to do it! They lost out on a friend who would have been true to the end. They also lost out on knowing the woman that girl grew up to be.

I was just as pretty as any of them, so for whatever reason they chose to single me out will forever be a mystery, but it has made me who I am today so I won't complain. We all have different roads we need to take in our lives and my early years with my peers were awful. But I have more then made up for it. I did go through a period in my life where I thought I had to be perfect and mean just like those kids to survive. I soon realized that it only burns holes in your heart and does no good, because you are only hurting yourself. You miss out on knowing some great people when you judge by looks first and character second.

If any of my high school classmates ever read this I want to introduce myself, my name is Karen, I'm pretty and kind. I am also a good writer, a great mom, and an even better friend. I think I am funny and I love to make others laugh. I am not much different today, except I am not as shy and have not fear in telling anyone what I think.

Today I have many friends, friends who never knew me back then, and really don't care about what I was like at 17. They also don't care one bit about what I look like or that I have bad hair days an awful lot! If only the kids of Colonie High Class of 89 had tried to see this, but maybe this is the way it was always intended to be.

The only way I know how to end this is with this quote from my friend Kathy, "my past does not define me, my Jesus defines me." And that quote sums up the woman I have grown up to be! be!

To Vote or Not To Vote and Does it Even Matter?

Another morning in the Adkins household, let me paint you a picture

Oh look, there's mom rocking her 2 precious babies. Dad is getting a coffee and getting ready to head out the door. All is well in the world, cue the Today Show, look again, there's mama, still rocking the babies but why is she screaming. Look her face is turning red and she's shouting at Dad!

Yes I can't handle watching the news these days. Or the Obama show as so many call it. The lies and half truths drive me up the wall. All my yelling and screaming caused my husband to say once again, that it does not even matter who we vote for since we live in NY. Obama will win the state so who cares. Well, there are other races and important ones to I added, but then I got to thinking and I realized that it does really matter.

It matters because who you choose to vote for on election day says something about you. What you stand for and what your values are should determine your vote. My children are watching me and learning how to act, trying to understand the world and what I do. Who I vote for and what I believe will be passed on to them. If I don't take a stand for my beliefs then what is left?

In today's world we are taught to be tolerant of other people's views, their religions, and their stances on important issues. Well I think that this waters down society and if we believe this new tolerance doctrine then nothing matters.

As Christians if we give credit to other religions and say there is more then one way to God, then Jesus was a liar who died for nothing. His apostles are fools and anyone martyred in his name is a fool who wasted their life. Why even bother going to church if you are going to add a little Buddhism to your Christianity? Jesus was not a Buddhist, he was a tolerant person, and he never wavered when he spoke of the truth. But when he spoke the truth, grace was always in the mix.

But another thing really gets to me. If who we vote for speaks to our beliefs what about the people who mindlessly follow the media without even checking to see if what is shown is actually true. What about what they are not telling us. News served on a silver platter only shows half the story. As a busy mom it is so hard to find the time to read and seek out the truth, why can't the news just present an unbiased view? But it really is my duty to understand who I am voting for, and who I am not choosing to vote for and why.

Next Tuesday I will go and vote, whether or not Obama wins, I believe my vote will matter because of who is watching me. I want my kids to grow up in a world where what you believe matters, where you can take a stand without being called a bigot, a hater, you name it. I want to teach Jordan and Janelle that the truth you believe in is the same today, tomorrow and forever.

New Name

I have decided that I would like to change the name of this blog. I have been thinking that I am not really that tired anymore and would like to convey a more positive image. I have been considering a few different titles but would love some help. So go ahead and send me your ideas! If I like your idea, I will recognize you in my humble writings and someday when I am rich and famous maybe I will compensate you! Until then a simple thanks, will have to do!

What To Do?

I think one of the hardest things about being a stay at home mom is deciding what to do each day. There is no blueprint and in my case we really don't have a set schedule. Many times, today for instance I am just kinda vegging and wandering the house with no purpose.

Jordan decided, that if she could not go to the mall and eat pretzels then the day was better spent at home. Our weekly story time with Mrs. Payette was no competition for the mall and so after a lot of yelling, and kicking, mom and daughter both, we decided to stay at home.

4 hours ago that seemed like a great idea, but right now maybe not. The fighting has begun, the kids are tired, I am on my 5Th load of laundry and am struggling to keep my eyes open. The time for naps is quickly passing. Soon I will turn into a drill sergeant shouting out orders, no napping, eyes open, get up, it's too late for sleep!!!I have to do this because if they sleep now they won't sleep tonight. I must also fight with myself because if they napped now, I could too! But I know I would regret it later....

I have heard it said that today's kids are over scheduled but on days like today I can't even imagine. I do see many mom's heading to the Y, then the library, then to playgroup all in one day! I guess even 3 year olds can be over scheduled. Maybe the Adkins girls are a different breed. Jordan and Janelle need a few days at home playing, watching TV, and just hanging out each week. I am not much of a planner and so many days pass and I have to say little was accomplished. Unless you consider kid's using their imaginations, playing with toys and cuddling with mom to be a wasted day. So many times I get the feeling that many people today would see this as a wasted toddlerhood!

Will my kids be able to compete with the other kids, the kids who attend school, the kids who visit the museum weekly. How will my kids measure up against the yoga tots, tiny chefs, and the signing kids?

Will the other kids think Jordan is a slacker because she has never attending a chef's class, or been to mother goose's school of manners? Those kids mom's must have gotten the blueprint for motherhood at the hospital. My mommy backpack just had some formula, wipes, ointments and a few "free" baby blankets.

Am I doing it all wrong? I don't think so but, this blog will be continued in 5 to 10 years and I will let you know how well the under scheduled toddlers make out, will they get into kindergarten, will they graduate grade school, only time will tell.....